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The Facebook Debacle of 2013

Apr 17, 2013 11:44AM, Published by Ryan Frisch, Categories: In Print, Today




Jennifer McCrary

April 26th, 2067

Family #48693
Unit #099987
Total Recall Lane
Mars Bar City, Planet Mars

Dear Darling Spazz, 

The year was 2013. Barack Obama was president, the Marriage Equality Act was under the scrutiny of the US Supreme Court, and we hadn't quite realized that Facebook was a super secret plot of a rogue Space Adventure Company that was preparing us all for life on other planets. As you know, teaching us remote controlled agriculture via "Farmville" and how to keep a Captain's log by posting everyday mundane details such as joy for the weekend and instagrammed pictures of our desserts, we would soon go on to colonize other planets thus bypassing the "Wall-E" effect of planet Earth. 

Of course, you will remember Facebook as the Social Media site that got you grounded for two full weeks  when we discovered that you had acquired your very own account as a rogue act of your own at the ripe old age of 9. Your Father and I had forbade it until you turned 13, in hopes to protect you from Internet Predators. Aren't you glad they got they very own Planet? I'm sure that Alderaan Mark II is a lovely place. I bet they don't even notice the orbiting Death Star that will blow the whole planet up if they try to chat up 11 year olds. We also wanted to protect your future political career from posting pictures of your tween year old ass trying to look tough with a caption saying "I didn't chuse the thug life, it choze me! Lololololol". 

Of course, even at nine you had better sense than that but we'd seen it happen. We also weren't ready for you to get a little girlfriend at school and put that you were "In a Relationship", and when the two week old romance fizzled out have you change it to "It's Complicated". Sweetie, you were nine. The only thing that should be complicated at nine is long division.

Anywho, if you recall you threw caution to the wind and as your first, and Thank the good Lord last, act of rebellion (you were such a good teenager, sniff-pride tear) you fibbed on your age and created your own account. Now since your Dad and I were still naïve we didn't catch on until several months later when you left your email open........ Needless to say, that was the day that Daddy and I brought down the hammer and the parental controls ramped up. You took it like a man and never snuck behind our backs again, or at least you got better at covering your tracks. Either way, the fact that you're reading this now just goes to show that you did in fact "survive" two whole weeks being grounded. 

I'm sure that now that our Darling great-grandchildren , Zenith and Qazzar, have they're own new fangled acts of rebellion that Spazz Jr. and his life partner are dealing with. I wanted to write you this, so that you could relate to them on their level. It's so hard these days to know what's "jiggy" with the young people. Particularly when you just want the 411, you know what I'm saying home-slice (Zenith and Qazzar love it when Grammy "gets down" verbally.)

Well, I'm going to go take your father his lunch at the laboratory. Who would've guess that Daddy's interest in making science experiments in my kitchen would have led to his eventual Director's position at the NASA labs here on Mars. Give my love to Alice and her delightful Mother Tina Fey. So nice to have another comedian in the family besides me, Lololol!

Love Always,
Mom <3


P.S.
Finally got that family photo back from the Instagram kiosk at Sky Mall.



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